What’s it like where you are in the world?
In London the dawn arrived with bright blue clear skies and sunshine. It feels more like the temperature I’d expect for this time of year and after the mild temperatures that’s a bit of a shock!!
Today I have been (literally) walking my talk, as I aim to do every day.
I don’t know about you but I can find it difficult to go out sometimes. Some days that’s thanks to my energy levels and others it’s more to do with my head. Thinking is something that is really valued and of course it’s a really good thing to do BUT sometimes thinking let’s me get in my own way!
I rent my Christmas tree, this year was the third year it has been with me over Christmas! You’ll see why I mention that in a tick!
Today was the day it was being collected and I could have waited until it had been collected before going out. However… I decided that I had ample time to go out before the start of the collection time slot.
I’m aware of a little pattern you see! One where I had spent decades letting life and other people’s schedules “decide” what I did. I even let it decide what I didn’t do because if someone else needed something I would put my own needs “below” theirs. I had given myself an excuse by thinking (NB – thinking!) that “what’s for you won’t go by you”. What was I thinking? Do you know what, I worked in the NHS for 3 decades. I was really proud of that and that S stood for service. I unwittingly burned out because of the belief in the NHS being the best system for a population worldwide and somehow managed to become overly responsible and to believe that my service needed to expand and expand where there was great need. I mistook servitude for service. I gave myself up to servitude and left behind myself and my own needs and desires. The more I did it the more it reinforced my belief I was doing the right thing because I could see the need. My body knew better it became very unwell and what felt like my own undoing was actually the best thing that could have happened.
That’s probably something for a separate post because it could also have been the worst thing to have happened if I had chosen to respond in a different way. Even when I didn’t think I had any choices I see now that I did and I am very grateful that the Rachael back than, broken though she was, made the choices she did.
Anyway, back on track with today! I am learning to be much more conscious about making myself my priority. Today’s decision about whether to walk before or after the 🎄 was collected affected nobody other than me, so I went out 🙌🏼
That sounds simple doesn’t it? Perhaps not if you have a chronic condition where getting up, showered and dressed is an achievement. Anyway there’s also been a lurking story I tell myself to motivate me to go out: that I have to be meeting someone or doing a chore like going to the shops. Mmmm 🤔 interesting! That’s the thinking of a previous version of me. The version of me who was full of “should” and who was really aware of other people and their time and priorities who had chosen to put my own below my theirs.
There’s a bit of her still present in this “version” of me. I’m not denying any part of me because I am choosing to be the whole of me. Owning the shadows as well as the light, the difference is that now I’m choosing balance and that means bringing myself and my priorities in to be equally important. I’m happy not to have “let go” of the whole of that part of me because it does mean to say I get things done!!
The bit of the old “version” of me that’s present was happy that there was a “reason” to go out because I had an unrepairable landline telephone that I wanted to get rid of. I went yesterday to a place that used to be somewhere that would try to repair “small electricals” and if they couldn’t they’d dispose of them. Not anymore! So I looked up my local borough’s recycling pages and found there’s a bin for said “small electricals” that’s only about 0.6 miles away!
Do you see where I’m going with this?! To the recycling bin! Well yes, literally that is where I walked to but I chose a route that took me through and past some green spaces.
The woodpecker was busy hammering away, high up in a tree in my local park. I didn’t get a picture of the woodpecker unfortunately.
This connection with wildlife and nature is one that helps me maintain my balance. No it doesn’t just help! It’s essential!
Further along my walk a Robin was serenading me with a glorious song. Then, on my return home the sun was shining straight onto my face. After all the cloudy days that was especially welcome. The sunshine is such a fantastic mood enhancer.
I was home in ample time for the tree to be collected and I chose to light the fire. That’s something I can have a little tussle with. There’s part of me that feels very guilty for lighting a fire and another part of me who’s anti using fossil fuels. I’m choosing to see this as a paradox and not to be overwhelmed by guilt, after all, by breathing I’m creating carbon with my carbon dioxide.
The guy came to collect the tree, the floor is swept and as a little ceremony I burned the needles on the fire. I had thought they’d smell gorgeous. FYI they didn’t smell of anything! Oh well! I thanked the tree for cheering my midwinter and blessed it on its way back to its forest to carry on growing for another year. I also gave thanks for the space the tree going has created and the additional light it has let in.
Learning to be resourced and connected. 